(no subject)

[jaxsons]

CHARACTERS: Jamie & Jax
WHAT: First times, fluttery feelings and a first stop on the Jax Apology Tour.
WHEN: Morning of Feb 4
WHERE: Jamie's room
WARNINGS: references to PTSD and survivor's guilt, much smooching

Yesterday had been heavy with emotion. It still weighed on Jamie, but he had been able to push it to the back of his mind for now. It was better to focus on the present: Jax in his bed and a morning where it could be just the two of them, without the noise of the rest of the ship, at least for now. If they weren't on the ship, Jamie could imagine sunlight streaming in through a window giving the room a surreal feeling.

Facing Jax, Jamie traced a finger from the other man's collarbone, following down his shoulder to his arm and repeated. He couldn't quite believe that they were here, together. It would take some time to get used to this being a reality. "This is nice. Yesterday was a lot, I know, but I'm glad you're here," as Jamie said this his face broke out into a smile that he could not contain.

The smile was infectious and graced Jax's lips as well, his hand lifting to stroke along the younger man's forearm as he continued the gentle ministrations. He was boneless, content, comfortable. It was a good place to be. When knuckles were close enough to his face, he pressed a fleeting kiss to them. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be right now. I mean it."

"Same here," Jamie let out a quiet laugh, "it's good to know you're not counting down the minutes until you have to leave. I think that might develop some sort of complex if that were the case." If there was an opportunity to make a joke, Jamie was going to take it. "Genuinely though, I could get used to waking up to you." After he said this, Jamie's stomach clenched ever so slightly; they were supposed to be maintaining boundaries while they figured out what this was or what it was going to be. He pushed this thought away, not letting it take hold of him, and caught Jax's lips with his own in a kiss.

The peacefulness of all this couldn't be denied. Mornings had been spent like this on and off with Adri and Philip, but never quite like this, where happiness and warmth stirred together and I want this every day gripped tight. Jax melted easily into the kiss as the warmth settled over him, and cupped Jamie's cheek so even more of their bodies could be touching.

Eventually, regrettably, their lips did part. "What if…" Jax's thumb stroked over cheekbone. "We did weekends? Friday and Saturday nights into Sunday? If you think you wouldn't get sick of me."

Jamie's eyes met Jax's, settling into the soft touch on his face. "Probably a more reasonable proposal than every night…to start with," Jamie bit his lip, not wanting to come off pushy or aggressive. He had told Jax that he would meet him where he was and that was not going to change. "If I'm being honest, I'm beginning to think that it would be impossible for me to get sick of you," he slid a hand around Jax's waist, drawing small circles there. "As long as you don't think you'll get sick of me?"

"I want to say something sweet here, but," the corner of Jax's lips twitched into another smile, one of his first few in at least twenty-four hours, "you're beginning to think? It's been six years, J."

"That isn't what I meant," Jamie rolled his eyes dramatically although his phrasing could have been clearer. "Obviously, I'm never going to get sick of you as a friend. That has been well and truly tested. I meant as this," he motioned a hand between them. "Whatever this ends up being."

In the moment, suspended in safety and contentment, Jax could easily see what this could end up being. Waking up to someone again consistently, kisses snuck in public, holding hands — they seemed so within reach and worth risking it all for, as love usually was. His hand slipped down to Jamie's neck, and he pressed in for a tender kiss, then whispered against his lips: "How could I get sick of this?"

He released a small, contented sigh, "You never know. I could be really annoying in a way you haven't found out yet. Plus I won't let you adopt a bear." The corner of Jamie's mouth quirked into a smile before closing the gap between them, giving Jax another kiss more insistent than the last one. Jamie would stay here all day if he could.

With a hum of discontentment at the bear comment, but without breaking the liplock, Jax pushed up off an arm to rearrange positions and press Jamie's back against the mattress, a place he'd been in not too long ago. He dropped his other arm to the younger man's chest so he could lean over him, and those insistent kisses were interrupted with a playful, breathless nip to Jamie's lower lip. "Like what, snoring? Blanket hogging?"

Heat rose in Jamie's cheeks as he was pressed onto his back, mind briefly wandering to last night and this morning. The second Jax's teeth found Jamie's lip he was brought back to the current moment. He thought for a second, before tilting his head to gain access to Jax's neck, "Snoring. Sure," he kissed right underneath the older man's jawline. "Sleep walking. I've never been told I do but it would be quite inconvenient," Jamie's mouth moved down a couple of inches to plant another kiss. "Or ice cold feet under the blankets. Nobody likes that," Jamie held back a laugh before pressing a final kiss into Jax's shoulder. "The possibilities for annoyance are endless," his eyes moved back up to Jax's, dancing with playfulness.

"Oh yeah?" Jax delicately traced along his brow with the one free hand. He couldn't find a laugh of his own. "Will occasional insomnia bother you? Nightmares where I apparently toss and turn?"

Jamie's facial expression returned to a more serious one. "Not at all," he clasped a gentle hand onto Jax's arm. "You can always wake me up if you can't sleep or need someone to talk you down from the nightmares. You shouldn't have to deal with them alone," he replied in earnest.

A comment was tongued away — that maybe Jax deserved to deal with them alone, that as long as he felt guilt over surviving the Fall, it would always be a one-man war — and Jax, with a heavy exhale, settled down against Jamie's bare chest, cheek upon his own arm. "I dunno if there's much to be talked down from. It's always kinda the same dream."

A feeling of sadness settled into the core of Jamie's heart as he observed the man laying in bed with him. He felt as though he could see the weight that Jax carried with him every day and wished that he could snap his fingers and make it disappear. Jamie raised his hand and gently brushed his fingers through Jax's hair, "Even so, I'd be happy to lay there with you until you can fall back asleep. To try to keep the nightmares at bay for you."

It was comforting to feel the rise and fall of Jamie's chest, to heart the thrumming of his beating heart. Jax stared into nothing for a few moments before closing his eyes. "This helps, the being with someone. Being with you right now," he added, thumbing along Jamie's skin. "Feeling that you're safe and okay and alive."

"Good," he replied. Jamie almost opened his mouth again to claim that Jax could trust that he'd always be those three things before he thought better of it. What was the use of promising safety and life in their line of work when situations changed rapidly? It would be worse to utter those words and then fall short. He opted for a softer version, "I'm not going anywhere if I can help it."

There was space to simply settle in and relax, but now that they were on the topic, Jax shifted his cheek to glance upward.

"M'sorry if it seemed like I was… throwing myself away for this project. I don't have a death wish, even if it seems like I might sometimes. I want to be here as long as possible with all of you, but I…" He scraped his teeth along his lower lip. "I have this disease where I feel duty-bound to do things because I've always been bound by duty. I was a first responder in a family of first responders - I had to accept when I was a kid that my dad could be killed in the line of duty any day, not 'cause it was his choice to, but because that's how he was - bound by duty to serve and protect, at the cost of his own life if need be."

He exhaled shakily. "But not all of you are built that way, and it was shitty of me to assume it would just make sense, or that any of you would accept my choice. So I'm sorry, J."

Jamie allowed a few beats of silence to exist between them, collecting his own thoughts, before responding. "Thank you for explaining it to me, I... it was difficult to find out that way. I didn't necessarily think you were trying to throw your life away, but it wasn't easy to hear that you had volunteered without telling some of us, some of the people closest to you." He moved his hand up to his own head, running it through his hair. "I understand that you feel duty bound to the people still under the Veil, we all do in our own ways, but as a leader on this ship you're duty bound to us too. To make decisions that will make us stronger in the future so we can effectively help people. Losing you or the possibility of losing you to an experiment wouldn't have made us a stronger team.

"But I wasn't going to shut you out for doing what you thought was right whether I agreed with it or not. Just know we're better off with you," he bent his head down to press a kiss into Jax's forehead. "It's okay and I'm sorry that you had such a rough day yesterday."

A little more shifting had Jax tucked up to the underside of his jaw and hand taken hostage to hold. "I made it rough for you first, though. Yesterday was a shitshow for all of us." Jamie's knuckles were gently kissed. "And I dunno if I could've gotten through the end of it without you keeping me from throwing my desk across the room."

A nod in agreement, "It wasn't the best day for any of us. I think we can agree on that." He wrapped his free arm around Jax, holding him close. "I am good at diffusing situations. Or so I like to think. You also need a desk to work, I wasn't about to let you break it." A short pause, "Today's a new day. And maybe some of the damage done can be repaired."

Jax sighed tiredly against his collarbone. "Can it be later? I've got cuddling plans with this cute guy I know."

"Oh do you, anyone I know?" Jamie let out a low laugh.

"I doubt it. He's this guy from Area Prep who's about my height, nice shoulders, English accent. A smile that lights up a room and makes my heart skip. Don't be too jealous." The request was punctuated with a kiss to Jamie's throat.

Jamie hummed, amused, "He sounds amazing. So don't be too upset if I get a little jealous. As long as he's not a better cuddler than I am. That would make me really jealous."

He is amazing was what Jax chose not to verbalize, but he hoped Jamie understood as he tangled their fingers together. "He isn't. He doesn't make me feel as good as you either, in and out of bed. So I'll stay here, actually."

He looked down at their hands, smiling, and then with a finger, tilted Jax's face up towards his own so he could kiss him. "I like the sound of that much better. Even if I do have to let Carl back in here eventually." A thought he didn't like to verbalize but the truth nonetheless.

"Carl can't come to bed with us." Jax chased his lips for a sweet kiss. "There isn't enough room in this bed."

Jamie groaned in response, "Good thing I wasn't about to invite him into bed then. Just give him access to his room." He aimed a mock stern face at Jax.

He was met with a smile and a look of unbridled adoration. "Can we be selfish for at least another hour? Please."

Unable to say no when faced with Jax's smile, Jamie leaned down, whispering against the other man's lips, "I think I would be silly to say no to that. You asked so nicely."

There was a comment to be made about Jax's skills at begging, but in the afterglow of being very well taken care of, Jax cupped that beautiful face in hand and sealed their mouths with a kiss that would hopefully be enough to convey every ounce of his genuine happiness.