(no subject)

[jaxsons]

CHARACTERS: Jax & Kit
WHAT: Second stop of the Jax Apology Tour.
WHEN: Thursday night/Feb 5th.
WHERE: Kit and Dom's room
WARNINGS: talk of grief and survivor's guilt

Kit is well aware that he and Jax need to talk. He thinks about this when he sees Jax across the mess hall, when he catches him talking to new espionage recruits, when he sees him relaxing with friends in the common area. Except the problem is that Kit is stubborn. Perhaps his phrasing could have been gentler but he maintains that his hurt was justified. And Jax, it seems, is equally stubborn and he's made no efforts to reach out either.

So they're at a standstill.

And it's only by a coincidence that their paths cross when Kit opens the door to his room just as Jax is walking through the hallway. Kit hesitates. His first instinct is to step back inside and close the door, but then their eyes lock and retreating seems too embarrassing to contemplate. "Hey, Jax."

And, naturally, as he leans against the doorway and tries to come up with something to say, his cat decides to make a break for freedom.

As far as ice breakers for tension go, this one is well-timed. Jax is already angling down the hallway in the direction she darted off in, excusing himself with a "I'll get her" before he's calmly following the cat down the hall. He knows Evie to be skittish, and crouches a few feet from her. Voice gentle and hand out, he says: "Hey sweetheart. Where you goin'?"

It's likely the smell of Alonzo all over him that draws her in for a curious sniff, and when it's deemed safe to scoop her up, he gently carts her off back to the awaiting Kit.

He could hand Evie back and leave it at that, but he uncomfortably shifts his weight to the other leg and doesn't move from the spot. "Can I come in?"

There's the briefest of pauses before Kit nods and steps aside. "Yeah, course." He hesitates once more and runs a hand through his hair. "We do need to talk anyway." He eyes the cat suspiciously. "I think that was her intention." Evie stares back at him, her expression innocent.

He ushers Jax inside and closes the door, lest she make another attempt to run (Evie, purring in Jax's arms, doesn't seem like she wants to go anywhere). "Do you want to sit?"

"I should," Jax acquiesces after a moment of consideration, continuing to hold the cat against his chest. She noses along his jawline, and he can't suppress the small laugh on the way over to Kit's bed. "I've had Alonzo since my birthday. I probably smell like a traitor."

Kit lets out a low chuckle. "Ah, so she wants to win you over and claim the title of your favorite cat. Don't tell Alonzo he has competition." Should he sit? It's his room, but still he hovers by the door, arms crossed loosely over his chest.

"That or she's finally ready for a boyfriend." Jax, however, does sit at the end of the bed, and his good-humored disposition slips away when he glances up to meet his friend's eyes to speak from the heart. "I fucked up. I'm sorry."

The apology is enough to drain any lingering fight from Kit and his shoulders slump as he lets out a deep sigh. "I—" Kit isn't sorry, exactly, but— "I shouldn't have said that about family, that was low and I didn't even mean it." He does move to the bed now, and he perches besides Jax, angling to face him. "I'm sorry."

With the ice slowly thawing between them, Jax loosens his hold on emotional support Evie, who simply tries to settle in his lap. He rubs her head, heart already aching with the words he wants to say.

"You know how afraid I am every time you get in your plane?" His voice is soft. "You, Philip? I want to know you'll always come back, but a part of me knows one day you might not, and it's the hardest pill to swallow. I care about you, all of you, so much, Kit. Don't ever think that it's possible I don't."

Kit stares down at his hands. "I know." As someone who regularly puts his life on the line, he is in no position to judge someone for wanting to do the same. But— "Even though you know what it's like to be worried someone you care about won't come back, you still volunteered— without hesitation, from what it sounded like. You were still willing to put us through that without even doing us the courtesy of talking to us. I should have taken a step back and chosen my words with more care, but that hurt, Jax, and in the moment, I was really scared and worried about you."

A shake of the head later, Jax is slipping off the bed – much to Evie's dismay – to crouch in front of the younger man. He sets his hands on Kit's knees. "You're right. I made the worst call possible, and I can't change that. All I can do from here on out is do better by you, all of you."

He squeezes a knee, and Kit looks up to meet his gaze. "You were right about another thing: I do have survivor's guilt. I feel guilty that my boyfriend died during the Fall, and hopefully fast in the pilot's seat, while I'm still here. I feel guilty about all those people I couldn't save in the attack. It's just not why I offered myself as a volunteer," he clarifies gently. "I don't want their deaths to be for nothing, and I want to clap back at the Architects in any way I can. I want all of you to see your families again. I don't want more fucking death, Kit. You have no idea how much of it I've seen. It haunts me every day, and I don't want it to kill me, but I almost let it. So I need your help when I get tunnel vision."

Kit exhales. "Jax— we all want that. That's why we're here. We all know loss— god, I saw my mother die in front of me during the Fall and that's not the only death I saw, I'm not a stranger to trauma— and we all want revenge. But the future we're fighting for should include us too. You deserve a life after this. We shouldn't be jumping at opportunities that impact that needlessly, that could leave the people we care about traumatized all over again— at least not without careful consideration."

This time it's Jax who exhales shakily. "I won't do it again," he promises.

Kit isn't sure he believes that but then, is that something that any of them can really promise? Would Kit even hesitate if his captain warned him that an upcoming mission would be especially dangerous? They're all constantly throwing themselves headfirst into danger and putting their lives on the line.

He nods slowly. "And you do know that I'm so careful out there. I'm not trying to die for the cause." He isn't sure how much he values his own life but he wouldn't want Archie or Jax or Jamie or Ara to grapple with another loss.

"I know you are." Jax touches the backs of his fingers to Kit's cheek. "I'm really sorry I scared you, Kit Kat."

"It's—" fine it's quite the right word, and Kit doesn't want to minimize what Jax made him feel but. "Water under the bridge. We're family. We're okay."

That Okay feels delicate, like it needs to be reinforced, so Jax rolls onto his knees to close the space between them with a kiss to Kit's forehead and arms drawing the other man into a hug. Not wanting to be excluded, Evie comes in to bonk her head against Kit's leg.

There is no hesitation before Kit wraps his arms around the older man. For someone who struggles with asking for affection even though he craves it, he appreciates the gesture, as awkward as the hug is given their positions. It's enough to ease any remaining tension he has. He can't say what the future holds but at least, for now, they're okay.