veilbreak | (no subject)

CHARACTERS: Jamie & Jax
WHAT: Two best friends, some beers, and feelings. Not for each other.
WHEN: Friday night, not too long after the end of this
WHERE: Jamie's room
WARNINGS: talk of PTSD and grief, drinking to numb emotions, survivor's guilt

Jamie's mattress made a huffy protest as the dead weight of Jax's body collapsed upon it. With knees hanging off the edge, he stared up at the ceiling above them, his mind already drifting off to sea when it was usually so good at staying in port. January into early February – that time again.

"Beer might not actually help," he admitted in fashionably late fashion to Jamie's earlier comment on the network. He lolled his head along the bed to watch his friend sideways. "That's what a mature person should say."

Jamie had offered beer, because in his mind that's what one does when their friend is going through something. He reconsidered his offer when he thought about it longer, alcohol and sadness don't often mix well especially when there is something aching to be numbed. Still, he had a few chilled beers stashed away for Jax just in case.

"Are you feeling mature tonight?" He stretched out, leaning against the wall behind his bed, wishing for perhaps the millionth time the rooms on the ship were bigger. Jamie wasn't going to pressure Jax one way or another. If he wanted a drink he could have one, but if he wanted someone to tell him to abstain he could do that too.

It took a second to consider, but Jax knew the answer. He rolled his head back the other way. "I'm feelin' a lot of things, but mature's not one of them." The sigh that rose up out of his chest was shuddery, something too big for his lungs, and he scratched a nail through his beard. "Y'know, I wasn't trying to make it a thing, that 'stuff' followed me after I got yanked out from under the Veil. I guess I…" Another sigh. "I just don't want you to worry or anything."

"That's the answer then," Jamie's eyes narrowed for a second as he assessed Jax before reaching for the beers he had stashed in his bedside table. He handed one to Jax after quickly removing the caps. He took a small sip from his drink before responding, "I know you don't want me to worry, this time of year is heavy for a lot of reasons. But things can be especially hard for some of us and I meant what I said, I'm always here to listen." Flicking one of his own ears, he grinned, "My ears have to be good for something."

The expression Jax gave him was of amusement, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. He wrapped his fingers around the bottle, set it against his abdomen, and savoured the sharp cold of the glass, chasing the sensation so it could clear his mind. Thankfully, the comfortable silence didn't need to stretch for too long.

"Mental health's a funny thing under the Veil," he started slowly. "Post-traumatic stress from the job over the years had all the physical symptoms, but my mind was... shut off from the rest. There were nightmares, bad ones. Didn't think I was afraid of anything, but my body was probably terrified. The Harmony Lights would come on and it'd go away for a while, but it always came back. And now, all these years unVeiled, my mind's just… catching up. My ghosts keep haunting me."

Jax was right Jamie knew this. It was different for everyone; the effects of the Veil and what it shielded from the mind's ability to fully process. And even worse than it being hidden for any amount of time, was the feeling of it all rushing back to consciousness when their tether to the Veil lifted. Jamie's eyes filled with concern as he looked at Jax. "It weighs on the body like nothing else. Even when our minds were blissfully ignorant of reality. Your body stores that shit. It's almost like it wants your brain to remember and acknowledge it." Jamie was certain that Jax was aware of everything he had just said, but sometimes it felt good to say it. To have the ability to think those thoughts.

"It isn't fair, reliving any of what you've dealt with under the Veil. I do find talking about the ghosts helpful sometimes. It makes them less powerful." He wouldn't pry if Jax was not ready but being a friend meant being strong for another person in times like these. Jax had done it plenty of times for him.

The ceiling was watched for a few seconds more, and then Jax was draping his free arm over his eyes. "How much have I told you about Paul?"

Jamie paused, allowing a moment of silence to sit between them. "A little bit, but not a ton." When they had discussed Paul in the past, it was briefly. It was apparent that Jax held a lot of pain when it came to Paul, but he hadn't asked many deep questions. He and Jax were friends, the story would be told eventually.

All these years later, it was easier to talk about. But it was never easy. A deep breath was sucked in. "We were going to move in together. We never talked about marriage after four years, but I knew he was it for me. Then he got deployed a month before Frankfort was blown up, and I never saw him again. Everything was… a lot," Jax mumbled. "I knew he was up there fighting back while I was down in Frankfort pulling people out of the rubble. Now I dream about it a lot."

An exhale escaped Jamie, knowing how difficult it is to lose someone you care about through a breakup or distance and this was something completely different. More finite. "Did you ever find out what happened to him?" It was okay if Jax didn't answer and part of Jamie felt bad asking a question like that. On the other hand, he wanted to know what Jax was struggling with to better support him, but the other man shook his head. "Dreams are a double edged sword. It's nice to have visits from people we've lost…but when you're reliving the trauma. That's heartbreak all over again." He reached his empty hand out to Jax's shoulder and offered it a tight squeeze. Jamie hated seeing him like this.

The arm came down, but Jax kept his eyes closed. "I had already been implanted by the time his ma came round to see me and give me his tags. I don't remember a lot of it, but I remember I didn't feel… anything. Paul deserved something." Fingers clutched the bottle tighter. "He's why I'm here."

"You didn't feel anything because you couldn't, Jax. Not because you didn't want to. There's a difference and even though he's not here…I'm sure he knows that you would've if you could've." Jamie gave Jax's shoulder one more squeeze before dropping his arm once more. "You're here to make things right for him?" He made this assumption, because that was partly why he was here too. To fight for his parents because they didn't have the chance to fight for themselves anymore.

"Yeah," Jax exhaled softly. "He would've wanted to be here. Feels wrong that I'm here and alive and he isn't." He opened dark eyes again, this time to look at his friend. "It makes me feel a certain way every year I get older, y'know? The people who died through all of this deserve to be remembered."

"I'm sure you wish he was here especially when it's your birthday. Memories have an unpleasant way of resurfacing at anniversaries like that. And for some reason it can never be the good ones, it always has to be the painful ones. At least in my experience," he takes another sip from his drink, letting the cool beer spread into his body, easing some of the heavy emotions. "He's proud of you though. There's no way he couldn't be, you've used this opportunity to help so many people."

The Yeah out of Jax this time was barely a whisper. He sat up at last to take a drink of the beer numbing his hand, and stayed upright. "I'm alright with spending all of my birthday under a blanket, if it's all the same to the ghosts keeping me company at night." The bottle was lifted, the lip of the spout touched to his own lips. "Too bad I dated the only person on board who can give me advice about it without me feeling like I'm imposing on the people I care about."

Jamie pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, biting down on it briefly before releasing it. He was not sure if anything he already said or could say to Jax was helpful but he'd keep trying. "There are a lot of people on this ship that would happily spend your birthday with you. Celebrating you and the memories of the people who should be here," his eyes were trained on Jax.

"We may not be trained therapists but anyone who really cares about you doesn't feel like you're an imposition. I know I never do. I'm one to talk–" Jamie interrupts himself with a half laugh half scoff, "these things are better when they're shared and not bottled up."

"Bottled up, huh?" Jax's small smile as he motioned with the beer took effort, but it was there. "Anything you wanna unbottle while we're here?"

The corner of Jamie's mouth twitched up into a small grin, "no, I already opened these so I think I've unbottled all I need to. Unless you're looking for a distraction from talking about what you're dealing with."

There was a breathy little laugh. "I've joked a lot about wanting attention, but this isn't my favourite kind." With a few free fingers, Jax tugged the left sleeve of his shirt up, just enough to expose the life-size dog tags tattoo. He'd opted not to have Paul's name on them, justifying it to himself it was for all the good American soldiers lost in the Fall, but he knew who this was for.

"I miss him," he mumbled. "Turned out I could love again after getting unVeiled, but I guess… I'm still letting the past dictate what I do now. I know he'd tell me I was an idiot for that. Among other people." A new smile was directed up to Jamie.

"You think I'm going to tell you you're an idiot?" Jamie returned Jax's smile. "This stuff, the trauma, doesn't go away just because we want it to. And I know you're capable of love after heartbreak but I'll never call you an idiot for letting the past affect your present." He shrugged his shoulders before continuing, "I think he'd just hope that one day you can fall in love again unencumbered by losing him."

Jax shook his head. "Honestly, these days, it's what I had with Rone that's messing up how I move on with that. Relationships aren't everything in life, but it always was nice to be in one. Kinda weird not to be now."

He nodded in understanding, "I wish I could tell you something that would make it easier to get past." Jamie sighed, "It's almost like our brains like to conspire against us. You'll find another relationship when the time is right. And sometimes being single isn't too bad," he almost sounded like he was reassuring himself as much as he was reassuring Jax about that fact.

A bottle was knocked against his knee. "If we get too lonely, we could always get married. I'll even propose to you in front of the crew. How d'you feel about Ring Pops, yay or nay?"

"So sweet of you to know that my dream proposal is from someone who is just doing it because they're lonely. And in front of the entire crew no less." Jamie couldn't help but start laughing, "at least ring pops are tasty."

"My rings are delicious and functional." Feeling motivated by that laugh, Jax let a fond smile surface. "What's your opinion on flash mobs?"

"Until you eat them all and then you're ringless. Then nobody will know you're engaged!" After the heaviness of their conversation it felt good to joke around a little bit. "Oh I love flash mobs," Jamie's voice was full of sarcasm. "The more of a spectacle it is, the better."

"I know a couple people who'd be into that. I'm putting a pin in that idea." The tension in Jax's chest has eased considerably, and he laid back down when his upper back began to protest. The sigh out of him was relaxed. "Thanks, J."

"Please put a permanent pin in it," he took another sip from his beer. "Anytime, even if I can't solve anything I can at least try to offer some perspective. And the beer helps too."

Rather than a bottle this time, Jax set a hand on Jamie's leg. It was difficult to say who for. "You're a good friend, Jamie. Better than I feel I deserve sometimes."

Jamie put his hand over Jax's for a second giving it a squeeze, "There's nothing undeserving about you. Friendship is a give and take. That's the only way it works."

The hand squeezed in return. "You ever need to unbottle something more than beer, you know where I am."